5. Pink Clouds

 

 

 There a quote it goes something like this

“The minute you think you're over your addiction your addiction is doing press-ups” 

This is effectively what they mean when they talk about the “Pink Cloud". The term is mainly associated with Alcoholics Anonymous and their legendary twelve step program. It refers to a euphoric state in the early stages of recovery when your mind becomes clear and the future looks bright. The effects of whatever you were taking is out of your system and you have stabilised your thoughts. The danger of the pink cloud is that it can mask actual recovery and can lead you to become complacent about the challenges you may face.  

I am extremely happy now I do not think I am overselling it, but if I did move through a more euphoric phase it was to do with the relisation I no longer had to make a decision about drinking anymore. Do you know how good that feels? It was such a bloody relief that I no longer had to listen to my own internal wrangling and constant self doubt.

Should I drink tonight? - I drank last night so I shouldn't really

OK I will so when will I start? - Not before dinner, but maybe as I am cooking

What should I drink?

Cocktail first then wine?

How much should I drink?

When should I stop?

Shall I drink something different?

Shall we pop out for another bottle?

Maybe this was this the start of my awakening or the result of an over-productive ethanol excuse engine. The result was the same, insecurity and therefore more anxiety. How difficult is it to feel secure about yourself when you have such a high level of self-doubt? Any questions related to alcohol were meta-tagged with "high alert" and came with the corresponding amount of stress. Self-doubt in turn digs in to your will power until it hits the hard bottom. It seems almost a priori that a person with high level of self-doubt does not even deserve will power in the first place.

I am a month and half in and still feel firmly in the Pink Cloud except it just feels like my life now. I thought feeling good would end but I still feel great the majority of the time. Although I have told you how long it has been since I last had a drink I no longer feel the urgency to define myself by my time in abstinence. I am wary of my ego sabre-rattling about days and hours “away” from alcohol as that gives booze a gravitas it does not deserve. I support any means that work for the individual but I feel if you define yourself in those terms it is as if it alcohol is out there biding its time ready to make its return waiting of you to come to your senses and return to the fold.

I got off the alcohol train at no definable time or space. I thought that was the best way. If you wait for the right moment it never comes. I no longer care when I disembarked from the train and only think about exploring this new space. I have no reason or desire to revisit where I have come from, as I have seen everything there.

I phoned my mom the other day and she said she had been worried about me. I am not sure why as I had explained I was happy and sober. She asked if I was OK and I said that I was better than OK I was flourishing. She then said "so you are OK then?" and I had to say again I am better than OK I was flourishing. Eventually, to avoid an Abbott and Costello sketch I agreed I was OK. 

I always assumed  when someone asked if you were OK you replied in the affirmative you then asked about them because you were both avoiding talking about your actual life which was one of quiet despair. But maybe the same goes in the opposite direction. I am happy right now but my mum couldn't process that I was really good. In fact I was flourishing. Maybe the dial only fluctuates around the “OK”, anymore than this and we don’t know how to deal with it. Also it might be worth remembering the effects of the pink cloud can’t be felt by anyone else. Maybe I am flouncing around like some 1960s dandy throwing rose petals from my basket when in fact everyone else hasn't changed.

It may be slightly different if you are suffering from a physical addiction and I do not speak from this point of view. I am speaking to those people who are trying to give up but keep going back and I would ask them did you ever really leave?  I am not judging you, but you do need to be honest with yourself. If you haven't made the mental shift then you are still kicking around the old town with your pink cloud in tow. Eventually the cloud dissipates and you are left staring at the same streets where you were raised. I would urge you all to get out of dodge but maybe that is a topic for another time.

So if this is the pink cloud I’m ok with it, but it feels more like an entirely new place. Maybe I am in Pink Cloudville. I am under no illusion the world is still set up to offer me alcohol but I no longer want it so they can offer away, just don’t ask me how I am.