4. Triggers and Alarm Bells
“I knew have should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque” Bugs Bunny
I guess we all know what triggers are. They are like the flush of feeling you get when you come across an old photo you haven’t seen for a while. You get lost for a split second and are transported into the past. It is the same for me but triggers don’t just hang around in draws. They ride on people’s voices, they surf on arguments, they explode in party poppers and resonate in the bells of celebrations.
In themselves these shadows of former feelings do not offer a direct threat to my sobriety. The problem is when they remind me of previous reactions and responses, this can lead to a manifestation in the here and now. Old responses quickly excuse current actions and future projections. I know I need to tune in as in the distance the alarm bells are sounding.
I didn’t really experience triggers until a few days ago so I must have been around three weeks in. After getting one it felt as if I have had quite a few in quick succession. I guess you can say it has been a big week. This week has seen my 50th Birthday come and go. Triggers came from both good and bad places.
At the beginning of week someone disappointed me and that led to anger and the anger led to a feeling that I should just say “Fuck It” and go and buy a bottle of wine. After all it would be their fault not mine. It felt like the old excuse I would use to dismember myself for being in the feeling.
The next day something good happened, my daughter returned to the house after being away for a while and I ordered a curry, then I felt well I should get a bottle of wine to celebrate and we could let our hair down. In the end I opened a bottle of Prosecco for my wife and daughter and I refrained. I had bought some really nice non alcoholic drinks online. In the end we had a great night and really good laugh just like old times.
The actual day of my birthday marked the first birthday in over 32 years that I had not had a drink of alcohol. We went out to dinner and that was the worst trigger. I would have normally smashed through some glasses before going out. What the youngsters now call “Pre-drinks”(why not it saves money?). Whilst out I would have had a beer before then a few bottles of wine. As it happened my wife had rung up the restaurant a few days before and questioned them about what non alcoholic drinks they had. They just had beer so she got them to agree to us bringing a non-alcoholic Shiraz and Prosecco. We had a great night and I drove and remembered everything about my birthday.
Dealing With Triggers
Unfortunately as far as I know there are no apps on your phone to deal with these things. In the AA you might have a sponsor to phone but I’m not an alcoholic. I am just a guy standing in front of you saying I don’t want to drink anymore. I think they refer to it as becoming spontaneously sober.
It might be nice if they put some checks on us in stores and pubs. Maybe it is too much to expect a warning sign to pop up on the tills “Hey it's you Mr. B have you been hijacked by your subconscious again please swipe your card once more and input your safe word.”
In the absence of all this stuff this is what I do. I was and am a huge Bugs Bunny fan. When he was in a fight or being chased around a tree a cloud of cartoon dust would appear. Arms and legs could be seen appearing and disappearing in the cloud. Eventually bugs would climb out of the dust cloud and just sit and stare at what was going on below. So I embrace my inner Bugs Bunny.
First I rate the strength of the trigger and how serious it feels. It is not important what system you use, just use one that works for you. Rate is out of ten or give up to five stars. I like to use the IMDb rating. It feels more subtle and filmic. (Everyone knows anything below a 7 isn't worth watching without a sense of irony). So just how strong is it? Hopefully your dial is not pointing at ten or you would be hotfoot out of the door to the nearest shop or have already nose-dived into your drinks cabinet.
Now maybe start thinking how bad is this craving or trigger is compared with the last one. Is it less intense or does it feel stronger? As you start to think about this the first rung of the metaphorical ladder will be appearing out of the dust. Now try and focus on your breathing.
All challenges to will power will start our fight or flight mechanisms which in turn leads to more shallow fast breathing. Try five rounds of four seconds of breaths in and out through your nose. Hopefully a few more rungs of the ladder have appeared.
Five minutes of breath work now can save you so much in the next few hours. It could be anywhere between £5 and £100 in monetary terms, it could save you an argument with your partner and it will definitely save you feeling like shit in the morning with a new wave of anxiety. This feeling isn't here to help you. Leave it behind. Repeat as necessary until you appear triumphant and superior from cloud of dust.
What To Try and Avoid
You don’t want visulisations to work against you. Don’t start painting a picture of yourself heading down to the store or think about any of the possible manifestations of the future where you drink. Stop them dead, cut them off, shut that part down as fast as humanly possible. Get out the fire blanket and throw it over all that shit. If you let it, your brain will build the film set, populate it with a cast and crew and await you reprising your old role. It is a fait accompli that excuses you of free will as you are pulled into the future by the giant magnet you created.
Until the first drop of alcohol passes your lips you have free will. All the reasons you stopped drinking are waiting for you, don't turn your back on them.
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